The Gourmet Glossary

On Jay McInerney's first wine column for the WSJ.

Have you read Jay McInerney's new column for the Wall Street Journal? Apparently he would rather remember Rose-Hued Memories of a Summer Night with Joan Coughlin and the Who than cold nights in Cambridge with Restaurant Girl.

My first experience with a sparkling wine took place in the back of an idling Lincoln in the company of a man named Jay McInernery. He was giving a lecture at "Harvard" and when his door opened the rush of long circulating air revealed notes of apples, tobacco and hubris. The wine in question, a Dom Perignon Rosé, was, I discovered much later, not part of his rider but impulsively bought at University Wine to impress the first cross-legged coed to catch his eye. I eventually learned to turn up my nose at men who try to buy me with wine, but I think my memories of that evening may have something to do with my diminishing enthusiasm for rosé Champagne.

As he began to shake the bottle, he explained Champagne had long been perceived as a celebratory beverage. Suddenly I feared being doused with a cooler of Gatorade like a cheerleader to close to a winning coach on the sidelines but as if he read my mind he eased my nerves "But less declamatory, and more romantic. Great Champagne is the vinous equivalent of White Diamonds but more expensive." I relaxed, brushed my hair to bare my neck to him in my mind inviting a spritz of Liz Taylor's famous perfume. I grew up on those commercials and though it represents just a small fraction of the sales of drugstore cologne, a wine version seemed even more precious and a recent trip to Duane Reade confirmed it.

Meanwhile he mused, "If Dom Pérignon is the Porsche 911 Carrera of the wine world, then DP Rosé is the 911 Turbo."

"But we're in a Town Car," I protested, then I suddenly pictured Will Smith driving that Porsche in Bad Boys and imagined his car turning into a magnum of Dom with me by his side like an Ivy League Tea Leoni. As quickly as I recovered my neck I revealed it again. "Do you know Will Smith?" I interrupted.

"I happened to be present at a rather raucous New York auction in March when two bottles of the 1959 DP rosé, from the collection of über collector Rob Rosania, went for $84,000, astonishing nearly everyone in the room."

"Is that his agent?"

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"Dom Pérignon rosé is typically released about a decade after vintage; the 2000 vintage hits American shelves this month" read Jay's note, accompanied by a bottle he sent me, a reminder of that night in the back of his car ten years ago. "As if that weren't reason enough to max out one of my credit cards," the note continued "I'll be arriving in New York with a bottle of the '90 Œnothèque. How do you feel about some ultra premium DP?" A late release of vintage juice that's been mellowing long after my initial arousal ran down my chalk tunnel. DP, what a freak! Until now, I've never tried it, and guys have been buzzing in anticipation for me to give it up for years. "It really is spectacular, rich and more voluptuous than any of the many pleasant sensations it evokes." I thought of Julianne Moore, a mature pinkish-hued beauty whom I'd seen on the street in the West Village earlier that day—had she ever tried DP? She was in Boogie Nights.

He started on a high note: Hotter than usual he was soon joined by Mr. Geoffroy who Jay described as a real whine-maker. Was he! Geoffroy has had many triumphs since that night and I have to say that the only man I've ever met who seems to enjoy this as much as he does is Hugh Hefner. I suspect that in his 20 years of DP, Mr. Geoffroy has lifted more spirits and ameliorated more malaise than most men his age.

I'm not going to pretend that either the 2000 or the 1990 Œnothèque was worth a second time with Jay but look at it this way: The former costs about the same as the tasting menu at Joël Robuchon in Las Vegas; the latter the same as the tasting menu for two and who doesn't put out after that?

But ugh, the pillow talk: "Most rosés are made by adding a small percentage of still Pinot Noir to a Champagne base. A very few are made by leaving the Pinot Noir grapes in contact with their pigment-bearing skins for a short period during fermentation."

I shuddered. His pinot was in my base, he was fermentalizing me! It was then I realized we didn't use protection and my deep, rich, nova-salmon color faded. Color is one of the great pleasures of DP, the rush of their blood changing my color from faint onion skin to bright raspberry to every imaginable shade of smoked salmon in between. Sometime more orange- than pink-hued. But now I was turning green.

Ever since that night he's been responding to my increasing demand for a paternity test with varying degrees of success. Instead of a blood sample I get Bollinger, Veuve Cliquot and Taittinger. "What is my DNA" he asks, "compared to what wine importer Terry Theise calls "farmer fizz," to what the French call terroir?" I leave that to the lawyers.

I'm not sure if his car and driver still idle outside Harvard Square when he's in town, but the next time a celebrity offers me a bottle of rosé Champagne, I'm going to make sure it's Will Smith. There are bad boys and there are Bad Boys and I mean, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

Join the Gourmet Glossary's Red Ribbon campaign!

While this was supposed to remain "under wraps," yesterday The New York Times announced me and so many of my fellow food bloggers will be running our annual lists 10000 Christmas Gifts for the Home Cook early this year on November 30th.

"The F.T.C. said that beginning on Dec. 1, bloggers who review products must disclose any connection with advertisers, including, in most cases, the receipt of free products and whether or not they were paid in any way by advertisers, as occurs frequently."

This could not have come at a worse time. Have you seen how thin Josh Ozersky has gotten already? To starve him right before he goes into hibernation! And the rest of us! Once winter comes our blogs will fall like dominoes, in thirty minutes or less. As the clock ticks down there are only 54 days to woo us with junkets, indulge us for tasting menus and overnight us your copper pots, gift cards, laser thermometers and novelty herb gardens!

I know if I go down without a fight now, I'll never go down without a fight again.

Yes now is the time to make our stand. To raise attention for this travesty taking place December 1st I suggest we all wear red ribbons to raise awareness for our cause. Let's all pin a piece of ribbon to our lapels, the color we'd wrap around the Christmas gifts our readers may never again not know they need until we tell them, the color of debt in which so many retailers and gourmet purveyors will be immersed, and let us wear this ribbon folded to represent the downward spiral our economy will suffer without the vital role we fulfill. Do this and I promise December 1st will be the day the entire world stands together to protest a virus that may plague us for generations if no action is taken now!

Fake Restauarant Girl, real news!

I'm a static to report in the past week I've been both interviewed by Time Out New York (it was actually a job interview but it went so well they published it!) and Bloomberg News where I went on about the first amendment like I was the governor of Alaska!

Faux Restaurant Girl: An exit interview. (TONY)
Insurance may ease monetary sting for bloggers sued over posts. (Bloomberg)
Goodale says blogger isurance awareness just starting. (Bloomberg TV)

Muppets - farmed vs. free range - it's the other felt meat.

The above video from The State, is one I watched more times than the Count could count. One couple invites another over to dinner and after an enjoyable meal of Muppet they ask for the recipe. The host explains you need only stand by your window and call out for help on some easily taught task like calculating a tip and the Sesame seed will be planted, and the Count will come calling. How much Alginate to measure? Consider Beaker beckoned. Then simply take them by the neck and tear away the fabric of their life.

In theory anyway. How many times it's happened to me that I needed help writing a review, calling out to Fonzie for a zinger for a zero-star review, the Swedish Chef when I couldn't get Marcus Samuelsson to provide a recipe for my website, only to come up empty-handed. Free range Muppets are twice as hard to find as a truffle in the Adirondacks. (How many wasted weekends I've spent wandering forests looking for pieces of chocolate under trees!)

(FAO Schwarz's new Whatnot Workshop serves custom blends to order.)

But then I discovered FAO Schwarz. FAO has learned it's not easy to keep a toy store open year-round when people only want to shop there at Christmas, so beside their ice cream parlor they've opened up one more great Upper East Side butcher shop to compete with Lobel's and Schaller & Weberr, filling a niche with their Muppet Whatnot Workshop. They churn out Muppets to order the way Pat La Freida does burger blends, and unlike the accusations most farmers and butchers face, Muppets neither release Ethanol nor raise the ire of PETA.

This is comfort food in its truest form. Some people will say chicken soup but I didn't grow up watching chickens, some will say hot dogs but I didn't grow up with pets, no, with the new Whatnot Workshop up and running it won't be long before we see the local vore community paying a premium, the name Henson between Benton and Eggleston on the chalkboard at Momofuku, the burnt ends at Hill Country replaced with Grover's corners, and Minetta Tavern's brunch menu serving up a prix fixeo of "Buns & Honeydew."

It's not free if I don't blog about it: The Redhead.

"It's not free if I don't blog about it" is a weekly feature about new restaurants too new to review I can't write off until I write about. Because this is a glossary, restaurants receive between one and five syllables.

There's nowhere better to eat than a restaurant just reviewed because the last thing they're expecting is another critic, so I arrived incognito by ordering cocktails while talking about how "my friend Danyelle" is still on antibiotics for her tonsillitis. Details: This is modern comfort food, fried chicken comes with a deconstructed strawberry shortcake coyly labeled cornbread and strawberry salad. Was the chef there? Turns out The Redhead is not a real person like Daphne from Scooby-Doo or Mario Batali. Was I comped? Not unless I was willing to wager on a Red Sox game. Overall: SUC · Q · LINT

What to eat during Vogue's Fashion's Night Out.

I have tonsillitis. I'm not contagious anymore, but the doctors told me my tonsils should have come out a long time ago. I remember when my brother came out and what a difficult personal decision that was for him. I was so proud that night that after helping him move out of our parents' house upon giving them the scoop, I took him out for ice cream and it's exciting to think he'll be taking me home from the hospital and returning the flavor. But I've been thinking how lucky we are and how most people don't get anything to eat when they come out, so thank God for Vogue. Their Fashion's Night Out event on September 10th will be a palate for the senses.

Of course I never would've known this without spending my recovery reading all of Racked's coverage of the big night out. I thought, if they had a food blog, what would they highlight? And in answering, I found my voice again:

Momofuku for Band of Outsiders. Christina Tosi will be representing Momofuku at Opening Ceremony, serving up Thai-inspired desserts at a Thai food street cart selling ties. With every purchase of a Band of Outsiders bow-tie or neck tie you'll also receive a Thai cookie.

Top Chef at Bergdorf Goodman. Padma Lakshmi will judge a cook-off between Peter Som, Cynthia Rowley and others. Later in the night, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen will tend bar.

Van Leeuwen Ice Cream at Aveda. Beside serving raw foods and organic wines, there will be ice cream trucks at both Aveda locations serving $1 Van Leeuwen ice cream cones the proceeds of which will benefit the 9/11 Memorial Museum.

The Rag & Bone. Rag & Bone will be transformed into a full Irish pub with free beer, sawdust and an Irish band.

The Dessert Truck at Alexis Bittar. Not sure how this will work with the Dessert Truck out of commission but Alexis Bittar is promising a coupon for a free dessert from the truck, which will be parked outside all night, to the first 200 customers.

Recession Cooking Tips: Watermelon Punch "au biberon"

If you're, like, me, then reading Pete Well's enigmatic editorial about violent cocktails in Sunday's New York Times left you craving a watermelon punch in the face. The first paragraph appears to recap an early episode of Dexter, the Showtime crime drama featuring Michael C Hall in the title roll. The rest of the piece "makes the case" that had Wells and his wife raised Dexter he never would have been exposed to alcohol at a young age, and things would have turned out differently. (Um, maybe you're right but then there wouldn't be a show?!? It's fiction!) He then makes the case against European households that offer kids knickerbockerneufchatel Rieslings once they reach double digits. (And he's right, being two fingers old is too young for any more liquor than the cap of whiskey necessary to put a baby to sleep.) His solution is to make fancy juice blends for the kids then add liquor to the adults servings which I first thought was like letting your kid eat a mud pie then eating yours with whipped cream, but he was right. His recipe for "Watermelon Punch" was great, but expensive. Now I hadn't had juice in years, since my mom threw me out of the house at 17 because she told me our religion meant I could only date or marry juice she approved of and I thought she was crazy. But maybe she's on to something. The only thing? Wells is recipe requires watermelon, limes, lemon, seltzer and ice and the people who make those things don't send cases of them to bloggers. But do you know who does? Naked Juice. And if you're not a blogger, a bottle is only $3.29. It's like juicy couture: Watermelon, white grapes, strawberry, lime and a hint of ammonia fruit already blended together. It's like a Friendly's Watermelon Log in a blender in your mouth. What's even better, you can just add your favorite liquor to this and take it to work, to the gym or park, or on your urban porch and your kids will be none the wiser. And to all the parents out there, lay off pushing it on your kids. Discovering the naked juice right for them is another pleasure best left for your kids to discover in adulthood.

It's not free if I don't blog about it: Veloce Pizzeria.

"It's not free if I don't blog about it" is a weekly feature about new restaurants too new to review I can't write off until I write about. Because this is a glossary, restaurants receive between one and five syllables.

Last week I made my first trip to Veloce Pizzeria, the new Vespa dealership on 1st Avenue. I had the Porchetta Sausage, shown left, which you serve yourself Pizza Hut-style. Details: The pizza is square and is topped with rosemary, sage, Michael pollen, tomato sauce and mutsarella. Was the chef there? Yes, Sara Jenkins was in the house. Did she recognize and comp me? No! Not even when I started taking pictures. Atmosphere: There was a flatscreen playing a samurai movie and a sign that read "Never trust a round pie." Asians may be turned off by the passive-aggressiveness. Overall: TEY · STEE

Why won't Richard Blais follow Alice Waters' example?

It's about time someone "points" out celebrity has gone to Richard Blais' head.

In last week's New York Times Diner's Journal, Pete Wells described the story of Alice Waters, The Lovely Bones author who in a panel discussion back in May, wished her last meal to be a bowl of shark fin soup. However the Humane Society of the United States convinced her otherwise. She stated:

“I support Humane Society International’s efforts to end this unsustainable practice, and I encourage other chefs and culinary industry leaders to do the same.”

Well, when I think of other chefs and culinary industry leaders, I think of Top Chef contestants. There's no shark fins on the menu at 24 Prince or Good Stuff Eatery, but there is one on the head of Atlanta Flip Burger-lar Richard Blais. Worse, he doesn't even eat them, he just wears them on his head. I don't know if it's an "afro"-desiac or just the style down there but it's highly offensive to me as both a fan of Shark Tale and someone who can't afford to shop at Jeffrey.

So until he stops wearing a shark fin on his head, I'm calling upon everyone to reach out to @RichardBlais and convince him to do what's right not just by Alice Waters but the ocean waters too!

My Q&A with the Ace of Cakes' Duff Goldman.

While at the Atlantic City Food & Wine Festival yesterday I was lucky enough to sit down with Duff Goldman, who much to my embarrassment is not the bass player for the band Cake. He's actually the bassist for Baltimore rock band soIhadto. But you may be surprised to know the Charm City baker is also the Food Network's Ace of Cakes, and let me tell you, he's an eleven! Below, our discussion of gay and cartoon bears, what's going on in Thomas Keller's kitchen, the lost season of The Wire, and what Duff would love to feed some food bloggers.